Why?

And once again, a bunch of time has passed. I'm feeling like logging again though, so hopefully the trend will stick for a while. 


First some unfinished business. My last post (if anyone can remember that far back) was about feelings and I was being reflective about why I was doing things. My friend Nadia wrote this response:


"I've been back and forth on the log/no log question. As I became more conscious of my reader, the value of logging went down. But, if I write just for me, unafraid of what others will think, but still open--I think there's lots of value there. 
And I can so relate to your statements about feelings. I hate when I'm having an emotional response that is not rational and recognize it as such, but still feel the feeling as strongly....what to do? Must emotion always give way to reason?"


I wanted to reply to her answer here, but, uh, never did. So, better late then never... right?


To try to tackle the first issue, or at least put my ideas about it out there, and see if they can smush together to make some sort of sense. 


I think I'd like to start with the idea of who I want to be. I'm working towards being someone that is open. I believe that everyone has the same few themes running through them. I do not think I am a special snowflake in that what I feel is unique and no one has ever had the same thoughts as me. By sharing those thoughts, even the ones that seem silly or make me feel weak, I feel like I am able to connect with other people and (to sound all hippy dippy) through those connections, I feel a little stronger.


If I know my friend is just as worried about the same little thing, it's a bit less lonely and a bit easier to deal with. I'm not the only one that panics when the bar feels too heavy. By sharing that sense of panic, I was able to see how other people dealt with it, and what they did and thought. Without that, I probably just would have passed on the back squatting thing as a whole. That's a lifting example, but I think the same theme runs true through life. 


Also, I'm conscious of my reader, yet I still want to be open. I am working towards being the same person regardless of the situation. I'm not saying that being open is the same as having no discretion. There are things that should be private, , but I'm working on making that circle a bit smaller and not letting a fear of vulnerability masquerade as being private. Also, there are different facets of ourselves that we present in different situations but, the person I want to be in general is open and strong enough to deal with a bit of judgement when I believe in something.


So, I guess my goal is to both be unafraid of what others think and still be open. I hope that made some sort of sense. I'm still (and think I will always be) working on it. 


Feelings! Lets talk more about feelings! (at this point 90% of readers run away) 


I am a scientist. I have years of training that have enforced that nothing means anything without logic, consistently reproduceable, statistically significant peer reviewed proof. But I do not think emotion should always give way to reason. I don't even know that the two are that different. 


I don't know that there are emotions that are not rational, but rather that we don't always know the ration behind an emotion. There's a reason you're feeling whatever you're feeling, you just may not be clued into it. There is a lot we don't know about ourselves. I think that's where the being reflective part comes in. While an emotion might superficially seem not rational, there's usually a reason somewhere. Maybe with enough digging we can find the reasons. There's not always time for digging though, I totally get that. Sometimes I just ignore what I'm feeling because I know that rationally shit's gotta get done. I can cry and panic later, now, we're doing work.


Or sometimes it's the opposite. If the emotional response is strong, or unique, I go with it. If something feels wrong, and there's no way to be assured that it's not, then it's wrong. We take in a lot of information that we can't consciously process. There is plenty of work out there on it.That's the information that drives feelings, and sometimes that's the information that you should go with. Like all of life, it's complicated and situational.


Damn, I hope that wall of text makes some sense. I'll post workouts in a different post.